The Saddest Line

Sunset in Sonora, CA

I’ve been busy with our move and haven’t blogged in a while. It’s 2am here on the west coast and I’m feeling especially introspective and melancholy. The sun has set over our time in Sonora, CA, our home for the last year and a half. And here we are. Tomorrow we set out on the long road from Cali to Texas. It was a tough decision to make and there were -are- so many nuances and aspects of the decision to think about. We teetered back and forth on whether or not to stay. A lot of prayer went into the decision. There’s still a lot of prayer going into this continuing journey.

Long story short, I just couldn’t let go of my dreams. My creative spirit.

About 6 years ago, as I sat in a small gathering of friends and acquaintances, this guy in his early/mid-thirties opened up about his life experiences and really reflected quite soberly on where he’d been and where he was going. Then he said this line of which I’ll never forget: “I’m watching all my dreams slowly fade away.” It was the saddest statement I’d ever heard anyone say. To watch your dreams just slowly fade away.

Tonight, as I sit thinking about where I’ve been and where I’m going. Wondering how things are going to play out, wondering how Jon & I will both fare once we get to Texas, and feeling a bit nervous about such an open-ended venture. I remembered what he’d said: To watch all your dreams slowly fade away. I hadn’t thought about that sad statement in a long time. But his words echoed out to me again and I realized that that was why I had to go. Sonora was a spiritual oasis to us with amazing people who know what they believe and live what they believe. It was a peaceful place and we left with amazing memories and friends that we’ll have for a lifetime.

But I couldn’t let go of my dreams. And I realized tonight that I was slowly watching them fade away. I don’t want to be like that guy.

I don’t want to lose myself. I know I’ve lost a lot of myself over the last couple years. I’m not the same boisterous, assertive, creative person I once was. A lot of that has been muted. I’ve taken on the role of supportive wife with all that that entails (home-cooked meals, errands, keeping up a home and the myriad of endless things that make a husband happy), and the role of a minister’s wife (giving of my time & emotions to people in need), all the while adjusting to new places and different faces since we’ve moved quite a bit over the nearly 5 years that we’ve been married.

I do indeed want to be a wonderfully supportive wife who’s a joy to her husband and I do want to be a kind, Christ-like person who helps people find a better life–but I don’t want to lose myself. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to sound selfish by saying I don’t want to let go of myself. I know that as a Christian, I should let go of myself and that it’s best to let go of my selfish wants and desires. I need to be less of me and more of Him. What I mean is that I don’t want to lose the creative gifts and talents God gave me. True creatives and artists will understand what I mean when I say I don’t want to lose myself. I don’t want to lose the unique effervescence that God gifted me, that spunk that was still alive and kickin’ when I left college. Sadly, it’s not so much kickin’ but shufflin’ now. And I don’t want that. I was made for so much more. I had huge dreams once upon a time. Then those dreams slowly faded away over the last couple years.

The time has come for a change. And I need to make the most of it and give it my all.

I came across this quote just a few days ago and I didn’t know at the time that I’d use it for a post about dreams and ambitions. I just knew that I liked it:

Dream as if you’ll live forever. Live as if you’ll die today. – James Dean

Then there’s this quote. One of my favorites because it speaks so clearly of what I’m experiencing:

Keep true to the dreams of your youth. – Johann Friedrich von Schiller.

Beautiful. Oh to be a youth with fresh dreams and uninhibited ambitions.